Armenian Research Proves 96.31% Of Earth Are Armienian

by Narek

Group of Armenian scientists unveiled today results of a research that may be a very serious bid for Nobel prize next year. The 24 year long study proves that 96.31% of world population are Armenians. Professor Gervorg Ayqyuuni and his team invited a press conference to present the final results of the research. “Indeed now we have undeniable facts that 96.31% of the people of Earth are Armenians. The facts are presented in our research which you will have a chance to look at very soon” said the enthusiastic professor.

The very first question the journalists asked was of course to find out who the remaining 3.69% of world population were. “The only three ethnicities on the face of Earth that are not Armenian are the following: Turks, Azeri and I’m sorry to say…Bulgarians.”

The research team was put together under the Soviet regime, but had to work undercover to keep the research secret from Kremlin. With the acquired independence Armenian authorities not only legalized the research but established a secret national agency ARAOFP — Agency for Revealing Armenian Origins of Famous People.

Several nations, Gypsies Basques  and the Japanese accepted the news with certain skepticism.  However the research team calmed everybody down: “I know this sounds a bit shocking but you will see the facts for yourself in the research paper, which you will have a chance too look at very soon.”

China, which now is the biggest Armenian diaspora in the world called all the skeptics to calm down. “Yes we all feel sorry for Bulgarians, but I think everyone in the world should simply accept the fact that they are Armenian. We all know where Noah parked his Ark, please accept the simple truth. The scientists promised to send us the research paper, so we all will have chance to look at it very soon. Plus this is a sweet way to solve our ongoing Tibet problem and break the “made in China” stereotype.  Everything is made in Armenia now. Well maybe certain things will still be made in Bulgaria.”

The average Armenian however feels puzzled with the news. “Well on one hand it’s pretty cool to find out that Napoleon, Mozart and Mandella are Armenians, I very much suspected that all along, but then this also means that Tajiks and Gypsies are Armenian too.” said an average Armenian, age 41.

Armenian Government announced that it’s official position on this discovery is “incredibly enthusiastic”. Prime Minister Tigran Sargsyan announced that Armenia is initiating a process of a worldwide referendum in order to rename the Earth into Armenia. “Now that we know that 96.31% of the world are Armenians it makes total sense to just rename the planet. Besides it makes total sense to allocate an island for all the non-Armenians and relocate Turks, Azeris…and I’m sorry to say Bulgarians. I think Greenland should be fine.”

Azeri Government that is currently in serious panic offered a substantial  grant to Baku State University professors to write a research paper proving that the Azeri are also Armenian. President Aliyev appeared on National TV  with the following statement “In times like this we must forget our rivalry with the Armenians. We should stop pretending we think Karabagh is ours, but rather should think of a way to please the Armenians.  I know several ways of pleasing, maybe you all should learn some too.  And seriously, I don’t wanna move to Greenland. It’s freaking cold out there.”

Reports of riots and strikes organized by flag manufacturers are coming from all parts of the world. All the flag manufacturers that lost business are now given an opportunity to move to Greenland.