Beeline Denies News of Director Suicide

By Sergey and Narek

 

Yerevan, Armenia —

Early Tuesday Armentel leadership appealed to national media, where it denied the wide-spread speculations that the head of the company had committed suicide.

 

“I officially state that all the rumors about me committing a suicide are totally false. I have all the documents and reference papers from Ministry of healthcare which assert that I am effectively alive as of December 8, 2009”, said Igor Klimko to the journalists.

To remind, last week all media outlets of Armenia reported that the General Director of Armentel (brand — Beeline) – one of biggest companies in Armenia – had committed suicide. The media referred to growing competition in the mobile communications field as irreversible argument supporting the news.

“We have also initiated a process of signature  collection in support of recognizing me alive. We have already some 39 signatures on paper! Soon we will reach a threshold of 100 and then no chance for doubt will be left. Plus, I have this cardiogram of my heart taken this morning and you can clearly see the line is by far not straight but jazzy”, added the director. “Oh, by the way, we are bringing internet price down”, added Klimko off the topic.

However most of the society remains skeptical over the life status of the director. Anahit Sahakyan from “Smiles” law firm told our reporter: Everyone knows how corrupt the health ministry is. Signatures could be faked or brought from Russia. And the cardiogram is just ridiculous – anyone could Photoshop one like that. In fact, Vazgen Manukyan has done this before repeatedly to prove he is alive. So the Beeline evidence is highly unconvincing”.

After a few skeptical articles in media, Armentel invited media representatives to the company premise to offer more solid proof. Among visitors were the chief editors of ArmComedy who were greatly impressed with the volume of arguments claiming that he is alive.

“Indeed, a lot about his speech indicated that he was likely to be alive. The confident intonation, multiple metaphors used and overall liveliness of the director seemed to support pro-life arguments. However, we expected more that this… We actually expected a fact, an evidence…” shared the participants of the tour.

Importantly, another achievement of the meeting between ArmComedy and Armentel was agreement on bringing the Internet price down. We spent some 15 minutes convincing that Internet is too expensive which negatively tells on attendance to our website. Klimko met us halfway tearing off a promise that we publish two satirical articles: “Armenia for newbies: From Ararat to Basturma” and “Fear not Ralf [Yerikyan]”.

Irritated by too much attention to Beeline, leadership of VivaCell and Orange forced a few employees jump out of the windows, however the survived staff ruined the PR initiative.

Ralf Yerikyan shared Viva vision: “We are prepared to meet our clients demands. If it’s suicides that blow them, we’ll make our staff watch some of the local soap operas.”

To remind, VivaCell launched a new Corporate Social Responsibility project in Armenia to support children of Armenian soap opera actors who are severely bullied at schools.

“Our philosophy is simple”, says Yerikyan “kids are not to blame for what they parents do. Of course, it is very enjoyable and emotionally rewarding to tease the kids whose parents act in the soap so tastelessly, but we need to think of the future. By teasing these kids, we may create monsters and criminals who might later harm Viva subscribers.”

Orange is still refraining from debate, as well as from the promised Internet paradise. Orange is trying to rephrase the Beeline statement to say “The rumors of our fast internet are highly exaggerated”. Sources close to the Chief Orange say the company plans actions like selling sim cards with signatures of Charles Aznavour which will allow 300 seconds of free mobile talk with the chansonier.