Orange Offers Good Service but Pisses Catholicos Off

by Narek

The third mobile operator is finally in Armenia, ready to kick those red commie Viva cell and those striped BeeLine (also pretty much commie) asses. Orange offers its customers an entirely new, even somewhat revolutionary for Armenia customer support system. From now on, whenever you call customer support, operators will not yell at you, call you an asshole or douchebag, and will even smile during the conversation.   Customer service has always been an issue in Armenia. The first operator was openly rude with customers, telling them where exactly to stick the questions and concerns, and whenever problems with network were obvious they simply shut the customer service line down, hence explaining the customers that their opinion is as valuable as a rat’s anus. The second operator tried to be more polite and actually address customer’s concerns. But a complaining customer could always feel that the operator on the other end of the line was not smiling.

Orange/Armenia Customer service operator Yerjanik Narnjyan shared with us insider information about this innovative system. “First of all we had a plastic surgery and now we always smile. No matter how stupid is your question, no matter how pissed off you are with our service, no matter what you threaten to do with our aunt we will be smiling. Secondly we will be replacing all the curse words that come to mind with “Dear customer” which will promote our customer support” said the newly recruited operator. In other words if an Orange operator tells you “Hello dear customer…yes dear customer, oh you are such a dear customer, your mother is a dear customer too…go dear customer yourself you son of a dear customer” that means you probably upset the operator with your stupid, moronic problem.

We found out that one operator was already fired today and asked Yerjanik to comment: “Oh that terrible incident with Anahit? No it wasn’t because she cursed at a dear customer, she simply brought an orange for lunch and it is strictly prohibited for Orange staff to eat oranges. As a matter of fact that’s #1 point in our contracts” explained Yerjanik. We later found out that Orange management adopted a new religion of Orangism where they worship oranges, wear orange and consuming one is the biggest sin. All Armenian staff has 3 months to convert to the new religion, otherwise they will be fired and will go to Hell, (orangist version of Hell still has the classic Devil, and fire, but nothing of orange color whatsoever).

Holy Catholicos of Armenians Garegin II condemned the new mobile operator: “Don’t we have enough of those stupid pathetic sects? Mormons, Jehovah’s witnesses, Tigran Karapetyan’s viewers…Do we really need another one to make us dress in orange? This religion is not only false it also deprives good Christians of eating oranges, sentencing them to deadly lack of Vitamin C”

Orange denied the accusations and promised a package of Vitamin C pills for every new customer. Customers who adopt Orangism will get a 50% discount and will go to Heaven, where they finally can eat as many oranges as they like. Besides, Orange has special rates for using GPRS Internet to access social networks like Odnoklassniki and Facebook — only 5 dram per megabyte. In this way Orange supports increase of birth rate in Armenia allowing to pick up chicks in social networks at a much lower price.